Sherlock S2 - quotes

[Continuing from the cliffhanger in "The Great Game", Sherlock is pointing a gun at John's explosive coat. Moriarty stares at Sherlock's decision with a hint of fear. Suddenly Staying Alive by Bee Gees plays. It's Moriarty's mobile phone]
Jim Moriarty: Mind if I get that?
Sherlock Holmes: Oh no, please. You've got the rest of your life.
[Moriarty answers his phone]
Jim Moriarty: Hello? Yes, of course it is, what do you want? [Mouthing to Sherlock] Sorry!
Sherlock Holmes: [Mouthing back sarcastically] Oh, it's fine!
Jim Moriarty: [On the phone] Say that again!!! [normal voice] Say that again and know if you are lying to me, I will find you and I will skin you!

Little Girl: They wouldn't let us see Grandad when he was dead. Is that cos he'd gone to heaven?
Sherlock Holmes: People don't really go to heaven when they die. They're taken to a special room and burned.
John Watson: Sherlock...

[Sherlock is at home. John is at a crime scene and the two are talking via video chat.]
John Watson: You realise this is a tiny bit humiliating?
Sherlock Holmes: It's okay, I'm fine. Now... show me to the stream.
John Watson: I didn't really mean for you.
Sherlock Holmes: Look, this is a six. There's no point in my leaving the flat for anything less than a seven, we agreed. Now go back, show me the grass.
John Watson: When did we agree that?
Sherlock Holmes: We agreed it yesterday.
John Watson: I wasn't even at home yesterday. I was in Dublin.
Sherlock Holmes: It's hardly my fault you weren't listening.
John Watson: Do you just carry on talking when I'm away?
Sherlock Holmes: I don't know, how often are you away?

John Watson: There is a mute button and I will use it.

[In Buckingham Palace, Sherlock is wrapped in a sheet, apparently naked]
John Watson: Are you wearing any pants?
Sherlock Holmes: ...No.
John Watson: Okay

[Sherlock and John are in Buckingham Palace]
John Watson: What are we doing here, Sherlock? Seriously, what?
Sherlock Holmes: I don't know.
John Watson: Here to see the Queen?
[Mycroft Holmes walks in]
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, apparently yes.
[They fall about laughing whilst Mycroft stares disapprovingly]
Mycroft Holmes: Just once, can you two behave like grown-ups?
John Watson: We solve crimes. I blog about it, and he forgets his pants. I wouldn't hold out too much hope.

[Mycroft hands Sherlock, who is still undressed, some clothes]
Mycroft Holmes: We are in Buckingham Palace, the very heart of the British nation. Sherlock Holmes, put your trousers on!
Sherlock Holmes: What for?

[Mycroft pours tea]
Mycroft Holmes: I'll be mother.
Sherlock Holmes: And there is a whole childhood in a nutshell.

[Sherlock is learning about Irene Adler]
Sherlock Holmes: Who is she?
Mycroft Holmes: Irene Adler. Professionally known as ‘The Woman’.
John Watson "Professionally"?
Mycroft Holmes: There are many names for what she does. She prefers 'Dominatrix'.
Sherlock Holmes: Dominatrix?
Mycroft Holmes: Don't be alarmed. It's to do with sex.
Sherlock Holmes: Sex doesn't alarm me.
Mycroft Holmes: [smirking] How would you know? [Sherlock just looks at him] She provides, shall we say, "recreational scolding" to those who enjoy that sort of thing and are prepared to pay for it.

Sherlock Holmes: Punch me in the face.
John Watson: Punch you?
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, punch me, in the face. Didn't you hear me?
John Watson: I always hear "punch me in the face" when you're speaking, but it's usually subtext.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, for God's sake! [He punches John in the face. John punches him back] Thank you John, that was - [John tackles Sherlock and grabs him in a chokehold] Okay, I think that's enough now.
John Watson: You want to remember, Sherlock, I was a soldier. I killed people!
Sherlock Holmes: You were a doctor!
John Watson: I had bad days!

Irene Adler: Look at those cheekbones. I could cut myself slapping that face. Would you like me to try?

Irene Adler: D’you know the big problem with a disguise, Mr. Holmes? However hard you try, it’s always a self-portrait.
Sherlock Holmes: You think I’m a vicar with a bleeding face?
Irene Adler: I think you’re damaged, delusional and believe in a higher power. In your case, it’s yourself. And somebody loves you... Oh, if I had to punch that face,[Looks at John] I'd avoid your nose and teeth too.
John Watson: [Laughs] Could you put something on please, anything at all... a napkin?
Irene Adler: Why? Are you feeling exposed?
Sherlock Holmes: I don't think John knows where to look. [Stands up and offers coat to Irene]
Irene Adler: No, I think he knows exactly where.[Stands in front of John] I'm not sure about you.[Takes coat from Sherlock]
Sherlock Holmes: If I were to look at naked women I'd borrow John's laptop.
John Watson: You do borrow my laptop.
Sherlock Holmes: I confiscate it.

Irene Adler: Brainy is the new sexy.

Sherlock Holmes: Vatican cameos!

[Sherlock and John exit Irene's house after disarming the agents sent to ambush them]
John Watson: We should call the police!
Sherlock Holmes: Yes [fires a gun repeatedly into the air] On their way.
John Watson: For God's sake...
Sherlock Holmes: Oh shut up, it's quick.

Mrs Hudson: It's a disgrace, sending your little brother into danger like that. Family is all we have in the end, Mycroft Holmes.
Mycroft Holmes: Oh, shut up, Mrs Hudson.
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson: Mycroft!
Mycroft Holmes: [A long pause] Apologies.
Mrs Hudson: Thank you.
Sherlock Holmes: Though do in fact shut up.

Sherlock Holmes: Look at them. They all care so much. Do you ever wonder if there's something wrong with us?
Mycroft Holmes: All lives end. All hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage, Sherlock.

John Watson: [On Sherlock] He will outlive God trying to have the last word.
Irene Adler: Does that make me special?
John Watson: I don't know, maybe.
Irene Adler: Are you jealous?
John Watson: We're not a couple.
Irene Adler: Yes you are. [Texting] There. "I'm not dead. Let's have dinner."
John Watson: Who the hell knows about Sherlock Holmes, but... for the record, if anyone out there still cares — I'm not actually gay.
Irene Adler: Well, I am. Look at us both.

Mrs Hudson: Oh, Sherlock!
Sherlock Holmes: Don't snivel, Mrs Hudson. It will do nothing to impede the flight of a bullet.

Sherlock Holmes: [on the phone] Lestrade? We've had a break-in at Baker Street. Send your least irritating officers and an ambulance. Oh, no-no-no-no, we're fine. No, it's the burglar. He's got himself rather badly injured. Oh, a few broken ribs, fractured skull, suspected punctured lung. He fell out of a window.
[Cuts to Mrs Hudson's downstairs flat, where John is cleaning her face]
Mrs. Hudson: Oh, it stings. [Something large and body-shaped falls past the window and crashes on top of a dumpster] Oh, that was right on my bins.
[Cuts to police officers and paramedics congregating outside as an ambulance leaves and Sherlock stands by Lestrade on the sidewalk]
DI Lestrade: And exactly how many times did he fall out the window?
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, it's all a bit of a blur, Detective Inspector. I lost count.

[After Mrs Hudson has been attacked]
John Watson: She'll have to sleep upstairs in our flat tonight. We need to look after her.
Mrs Hudson: No.
Sherlock Holmes: Nonsense, she's fine.
John Watson: No she's not, look at her! She's got to take some time away from Baker Street. She can go and stay with her sister. [To Mrs Hudson] Doctor's orders.
Sherlock Holmes: Don't be absurd.
John Watson: She's in shock, for God's sake, and all over some bloody stupid camera phone! Where is it, anyway?
Sherlock Holmes: Safest place I know.
[Mrs Hudson pulls the phone out from the front of her blouse]
Mrs Hudson: You left it in the pocket of your second best dressing gown, you clot. [Hands the phone to Sherlock] I managed to sneak it out when they thought I was having a cry.
Sherlock Holmes: Thank you. Shame on you, John Watson!
John Watson: Shame on me?
Sherlock Holmes: Mrs Hudson, leave Baker Street? England would fall!

Irene Adler: I told you that camera phone was my life. I know when it's in my hands.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, you're rather good.
Irene Adler: You're not so bad.
[There is an awkward pause]
John Watson: Hamish [Both turn and stare at him] John Hamish Watson. Just if you were looking for baby names.

Sherlock Holmes: ‎Please don't feel obliged to tell me that was remarkable or amazing, John's expressed that in every possible variant available to the English language.
Irene Adler: I would have you, right here, on this desk, until you begged for mercy twice.
[A long silence in which Sherlock and Irene maintain eye contact]
Sherlock Holmes: ...John, please can you check those flight schedules, see if I'm right?
John Watson: [Looking stunned]...I'm on it, yeah.
Sherlock Holmes: ...I've never begged for mercy in my life.
Irene Adler: Twice.

Sherlock Holmes: Sentiment is a chemical defect found in the losing side.
Irene Adler: Sentiment? What are you talking about?
Sherlock Holmes: You'
Irene Adler: Oh, dear God. Look at the poor man. You don't actually think I was interested in you? Why? Because you're the great Sherlock Holmes, the clever detective in the funny hat?
Sherlock Holmes: No...[Takes her hand and leans in to whisper] because I took your pulse. Elevated. Your pupils dilated. I imagine John Watson thinks love’s a mystery to me, but the chemistry is incredibly simple and very destructive. When we first met, you told me that a disguise is always a self-portrait, how true of you, the combination to your safe – your measurements. [Holds up her phone] But this, this is far more intimate. This is your heart, and you should never let it rule your head. [He starts entering digits] You could have chosen any random number and walked out of here today with everything you worked for. But you just couldn't resist it, could you? I've always assumed that love is a dangerous disadvantage. Thank you for the final proof.
[She grabs his hand, desperate. Tears are starting to form]
Irene Adler: Everything I said. It's not real. I was just playing the game.
Sherlock Holmes: I know. And this is just losing.
[He holds up her phone, having finally deduced her password. It reads I AM S-H-E-R LOCKED]

Irene Adler: Are you expecting me to beg?
Sherlock Holmes: [Neutral] Yes.
Irene Adler: Please. You're right, I won't even last six months.
Sherlock Holmes: Sorry about dinner.

Mycroft Holmes: My brother has the brain of a scientist or a philosopher, yet he elects to be a detective. What might we deduce about his heart?
John Watson: I don't know.
Mycroft Holmes: Neither do I. But initially, he wanted to be a pirate.

[Irene Adler kneels on floor, about to be executed by terrorists. She texts Sherlock - "Goodbye, Mr Holmes" - and prepares for death. From the executioner's pocket, Sherlock's text alert for Adler is heard.]
Sherlock Holmes: When I say run … run!

[Sherlock bursts into the room, covered in blood, brandishing a harpoon]
Sherlock Holmes: Well that was tedious.
John Watson: You went on the Tube like that?
Sherlock Holmes: None of the cabs would take me.

[Sherlock has just insulted Mrs. Hudson; she's run off in tears]
John Watson: Go after her and apologise.
Sherlock Holmes: Apologise? Oh John, I envy you so much.
John Watson: You envy me?
Sherlock Holmes: Your mind; it's so placid, straight-forward, barely used. Mine's like an engine, racing out of control; a rocket tearing itself to pieces, trapped on the launchpad... I need a case!
John Watson: You just solved one! By harpooning a dead pig, apparently.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, that was this morning. When's the next one?
John Watson: Nothing on the website? [Sherlock stands and hands John a laptop showing a message on "the Science of Deduction" website]
Sherlock Holmes: "Dear Mr. Sherlock Holmes, I can't find Bluebell anywhere. Please, please, please can you help?"
John Watson: Bluebell?
Sherlock Holmes: A rabbit, John!
John Watson: Oh.
Sherlock Holmes: Ah but there's more; before Bluebell disappeared it turned luminous like a fairy according to little Kirsty, then the next morning Bluebell was gone. Hutch still locked, no sign of a forced entry. [gasps] What am I saying? This is brilliant. Phone Lestrade, tell him there's an escaped rabbit.
John Watson: You serious?
Sherlock Holmes: It's this or Cluedo.
John Watson: Ah, no. We are never playing that again.
Sherlock Holmes: Why not?
John Watson: Because it's not actually possible for the victim to have done it, Sherlock, that's why!
Sherlock Holmes: It was the only possible solution!
John Watson: It's not in the rules.
Sherlock Holmes: Well then the rules are wrong! [Doorbell rings]
John Watson: Single ring.
Sherlock Holmes: Maximum pressure, just under a half-second.
Both: Client!

[After Sherlock does his signature scan on Henry Knight]
Henry Knight: How on earth did you notice all that?
John Watson: It's not important...
Sherlock Holmes: Punched out holes where your ticket's been changed...
John Watson: Not now, Sherlock.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, please. I've been cooped up here for ages.
John Watson: You're just showing off.
Sherlock Holmes: Of course. I am a show-off, that's what we do

Sherlock Holmes: Look at me. I'm afraid, John. Afraid.
John Watson: Sherlock...
Sherlock Holmes: I've always been able to keep myself distant. Divorce myself from feelings. But you see, body's betraying me. Interesting, yes? Emotions... grit on the lens, the fly in the ointment.
John Watson: All right, Spock, just take it easy.

John Watson: Why would you listen to me? I'm just your friend.
Sherlock Holmes: I don't have "friends"!
John Watson: No. Wonder why?

Sherlock Holmes: Listen, what I said before John, I meant it. I don't have friends; I've just got one.
John Watson: [Nods] Right. [Continues walking away]
Sherlock Holmes: [Calling after him] John? John! [Running after him] You are amazing, you are fantastic!
John Watson: Yes, alright, don't have to overdo it.

Sherlock Holmes: I've got a theory but I need to get back into Baskerville to test it. [Pulling out phone]
John Watson: How? Can't pull off the ID trick again.
Sherlock Holmes: Might not have to. [Puts phone to ear] Hello brother dear! How are you?

Sherlock Holmes: Murder weapon and the scene of the crime, all at once! Haha, oh, this case...! Thank you, Henry. It's been brilliant.
John Watson: Sherlock?
Sherlock Holmes: What?
John Watson: [Indicating Henry, who is in a state of shock] Timing!
Sherlock Holmes: Oh. Not good?

Sherlock Holmes: Totally scientific. Laboratory conditions. Quite literally...
[Flashback to Sherlock monitoring John as he runs from the 'hound' earlier in the episode]
John Watson: [whispering] He's in here with me...
Sherlock Holmes: Alright, keep talking. I'll find you. [pause] Keep talking!
John Watson: I can't, he'll hear me...
Sherlock Holmes: Tell me what you're seeing!
[Sherlock puts his phone to a mic and sends a vicious dog snarl over the intercom.]
John Watson: [Shuddering] I don't know, but I can hear it...
Sherlock: [In the present] I knew what effect it had on a superior mind so I needed to try it on an average one. [John stops eating and looks up, insulted.] You know what I mean.

John Watson: [about being dosed with the experimental drug] Any long-term effects?
Sherlock Holmes: None at all. You'll be back to normal, we all will, once we've excreted it.
John Watson: Think I might have taken care of that already.

Sherlock Holmes: Oh, I see.
John Watson: No, you don't
Sherlock Holmes: No, I don't. Sentiment?
John Watson: Sentiment.

Moriarty: Every fairy tale needs a good old-fashioned villain. You need me or you're nothing — because we're just alike, you and I. Except you're boring. You're on the side of the angels.

Sherlock Holmes: Nothing in the Bank of England, the Tower of London or Pentonville Prison could possibly match the value of the key that could open all three.
Moriarty: I can open any door, anywhere with a few tiny lines of computer code. No such thing as a private bank account now. All are mine. No such thing as secrecy. I OWN secrecy. Nuclear codes? I could blow up NATO in alphabetical order. In a world of locked rooms, the man with the key is king. And honey, you should see me in a crown.

Jim Moriarty: But don't be scared. Falling is just like flying, except there's a more... permanent destination.

Mycroft Holmes: Too much history between us, John. Old scores. Resentments.
John Watson: Nicked all his smurfs? Broke his Action Man?

John Watson: School friend, maybe?
Mycroft Holmes: [laughs] Of Sherlock's?

Molly Hooper: You're a bit like my dad. He's dead. Oh, sorry...
Sherlock Holmes: Molly, please don't feel the need to make conversation. It's really not your area.
Molly Hooper: When he was dying, he was always cheerful. He was lovely. Except when he thought that no one could see. I saw him once. He looked sad.
Sherlock Holmes: Molly...
Molly Hooper: You look sad... when you think he [Watson] can't see you. Are you okay? Don't just say you are, because I know what that means, looking sad when you think no one can see you.
Sherlock Holmes: You can see me.
Molly Hooper: I don't count. What I'm trying to say is that, if there's anything I can do, anything you need, anything at all, you can have me. (flustered) No, I just mean... I mean... if there's anything you need - it's fine.
Sherlock Holmes: But what could I need from you?

James Moriarty: Hello. Are you ready for the story? This is the story of Sir Boast-a-lot. Sir Boast-a-lot was the bravest and cleverest knight at the round table, but soon the other knights began to grow tired of his stories about how brave he was and how many dragons he'd slain, and some of them began to wonder, "Are Sir Boast-a-lot's stories even true?" Oh no. So, one of the knights went to King Arthur and said, "I don't believe Sir Boast-a-lot's stories. He's just a big, old liar who makes things up to make himself look good." And then, even the king began to wonder, but that wasn't the end of Sir Boast-a-lot's problems. No. That wasn't the final problem. The end.

[Sherlock has just been arrested. The Chief Superintendent is wandering around the flat]
Chief Superintendent: Looked a bit of a weirdo if you ask me. They usually are, these vigilante types. [John stares at him] What are you looking at?
[Cuts to the Chief Superintendent nursing a bloody nose. John is slammed up against a police car next to Sherlock]
Sherlock Holmes: Joining me?
John Watson: Yeah, well, apparently it's against the law to chin the Chief Superintendent.

Sherlock Holmes: [On being arrested] Hmm. Bit awkward, this.
John Watson: There's no one to bail us.
Sherlock Holmes: I was thinking more about our imminent and daring escape.
John Watson: What?
[Sherlock grabs a police radio, sending all police headphones into feedback and alarm. In the chaos, he takes a gun from the nearest officer and waves it around]
Sherlock Holmes: Ladies and gentlemen, will you please all get on your knees? [Firing the gun in the air] Now would be good!
DI Lestrade: Do as he says!
John Watson: Just so you're aware, the gun is his idea... I'm just, you know...
Sherlock Holmes: [suddenly pointing the gun at John's head] My hostage!
John Watson: Hostage! Yes. That works...

Sherlock Holmes: You're wrong, you know? [Molly gasps in fright and spins round] You do count. You've always counted and I've always trusted you. But you were right. I'm not okay.
Molly Hooper: Tell me what's wrong.
Sherlock Holmes: Molly... I think I'm going to die.
Molly Hooper: What do you need?
Sherlock Holmes: If I wasn't everything you think I am, everything that I think I am... would you still want to help me?
Molly Hooper: What do you need?
Sherlock Holmes: You.

Sherlock Holmes: [John struggles to keep up with Sherlock as they flee handcuffed together] Take my hand [grabs John's hand].
John Watson: Oh, people are definitely going to talk.

John Watson: Paramedics. Mrs Hudson – she's been shot.
Sherlock Holmes: What? How?
John Watson: Well, probably one of the killers you managed to attract... Jesus. Jesus. She's dying, Sherlock. Let's go.
Sherlock Holmes: You go. I'm busy.
John Watson: Busy?
Sherlock Holmes: Thinking. I need to think.
John Watson: You need to...? Doesn't she mean anything to you? You once half killed a man because he laid a finger on her!
Sherlock Holmes: She's my landlady.
John Watson: She's dying... You machine. Sod this. Sod this. You stay here if you want, on your own.
Sherlock Holmes: Alone is what I have. Alone protects me.
John Watson: No. Friends protect people.

Jim Moriarty: You think you can make me stop the order? You think you can make me do that?
Sherlock Holmes: Yes. So do you.
Jim Moriarty: Sherlock, your big brother and all the King's horses couldn't make me do a thing I didn't want to.
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, but I'm not my brother, remember? I am you. Prepared to do anything. Prepared to burn. Prepared to do what ordinary people won't do. You want me to shake hands with you in hell? I shall not disappoint you.
Jim Moriarty: Nah — you talk big. Nah... you're ordinary. You're ordinary — you're on the side of the angels.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, I may be on the side of the angels... but don't think for one second that I am one of them.

Sherlock Holmes: [talking to John on the phone while on the roof of St. Barts] I'm a fake.
John Watson: Sherlock...
Sherlock Holmes: The newspapers were right all along. I want you to tell Lestrade, I want you to tell Mrs. Hudson and Molly; in fact, tell anyone who will listen to you... that I invented Moriarty for my own purposes.
John Watson: Okay, shut up, Sherlock. Shut up. The first time we met - the first time we met, you knew all about my sister, right?
Sherlock Holmes: Nobody could be that clever.
John Watson: You could.
John Watson: You... you told me once... that you weren't a hero. Umm... There were times I didn't even think you were human, but let me tell you this. You were the best man, the most human... human being that I've ever known and no one will ever convince me that you told me a lie, so... there. I was so alone... and I owe you so much. But please, there's just one more thing, one more miracle, Sherlock, for me, don't be...dead. Would you do that just for me? Just stop it. Stop this... [He walks away. Sherlock watches him go, then leaves.]